I have this friend. More of a best friend really, the kind you see in movies...the main character and his/her inseparable partner in crime. That was me and her. I'd only known her for a little over half a year, but that entire time- since about a week after meeting her- we were two peanuts in one dysfunctional, oddly shaped shell that got dropped on the floor and kicked under the table. I can honestly say I knew her better than myself. And she, me.
Then, one day, when I was having a mental break down of the depressive variety she just started ignoring me. She knew that being ignored was more than just a pet peeve to me...I honestly have no idea how to deal with it, which you'd think I would considering that I grew up with it being a constant. I had a huge migraine; which is bad. Real bad. When my head hurts that much I kind of lose my grip on reality, at least to the extent that I can't restrain myself. If it gets in my head to do something, I do it.
I was depressed in a way I hadn't been since 5th grade.
I had a migraine.
My best friend was ignoring me and I had no idea why.
My grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. And I couldn't be there for her...(my mother even left to go down to NC without me. On purpose. Saying she felt like going down alone[while taking my sister] knowing how badly I wanted to go).
I was having trouble getting assistance from my own mother with financial aid so I could apply to college. No matter how many times she'd say she'd help. She didn't.
A bunch of other problems with various other friends that I cant put on here[even obscurely (at least not more clarified than this)].
And painkillers don't do shit for me. I have too high of a natural tolerance.
I cut my wrists. My forearms. My biceps. My thighs. And I attempted suicide that night when the cutting couldn't help dull the pain in my head, nor the emptiness in my heart.
I'd never have thought I could ever attempt suicide. It always just seemed like such a dumb thing to me before...Plus even when I was younger and that depressed on a constant, I'd always dismissed it simply because if I attempted death; I would have no idea what else could have happened had I succeeded. My nature being one of such high curiosity I knew I'd never be able to. That and to me, the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to help other people that I might have had the chance to if I still lived/ it might adversely effect others, would stop me before I'd even be able to initiate the attempt.
But I did it. OD'd on a combo of Vicodin, Naproxen, and Ibuprofen.
This was all a Couple of weeks ago. And also all I will likely say about it on this blog.
Today, my friend spoke to me again... She was just dropping off my thumb drive, hat, and glove that I'd left at her house. As well as picking up one of her favorite hats which had meant a lot to her. We ended up sitting on my porch and just talking. As well as mildly harassing a mole that was in the Lamb's Breath(I think is name of the plant) next to the walk between driveway and front stoop. We couldn't help it. The damn thing was too cute.
Hah, well...It ends up I hadn't done anything to make her hate me. She was just trying to go all Hermit on my ass. Just like she use to be....I'm not having any of that. I'm going to make sure she has friends. I'm going to make sure she keeps her friends. I'm going to be there for her, and listen to all her troubles....just like I use to.
She'd tried to do this because of insecurities and because she was afraid of getting hurt...But. Thats what I'm here for her for. To help protect her from those insecurities, and not to protect her from ALL the times she might get hurt. Rather, to help her be able to pick up the pieces scattered by her pains, and armor herself against them when she can so the pieces aren't even scattered to begin with. From what I'd seen (in after effects from), and heard about the last time she'd crawled into a hole, it did more harm than good. If it did any good at all. That's not happening again on my watch: She's MY Friend.
That means a lot to me. That means a whole lot.
